Built-in Lake Pool with Waterfall Fountain
A pool. On a lake. With a waterfall. We heard you the first time, too.
Nine reasons your regular boat is jealous
The Poontoon: Features and Specs
Nine reasons your regular boat is jealous and your neighbor is filing a complaint.
Standard equipment, no options
Nine features, zero permits
Every one of these ships on the same imaginary hull. None of them were approved by a harbor master.
Seating for 20
Twenty real seats. The other 30 float, hover, or hang off the side. It is called mingling.
Coolers Every 4th Seat
Nobody is ever more than three seats from a cold one, or a cold pop.
Diving Board + Water Slide
Two ways off the top deck. Both end with a big splash and a bigger story.
Banner Overhead
A giant "POONTOON!" arch, so the whole lake knows who to blame.
Firetruck Shower
A red firetruck parked on shore hoses everybody down. It is a car wash for people.
Fish Fry Galley
Friday fish fry, afloat. Tartar sauce, rye bread, and coleslaw nobody asked for.
Cheese Curd Dispenser
Fresh curds on demand. The squeak is a feature. Do not ask about the fryer.
Loon-Call Alarm
Wakes you at dawn with a haunting cry. Loons are jealous. We can not confirm it is a loon.
Exploded view, emotionally
Anatomy of a Poontoon
Every numbered part below is load-bearing, legally questionable, or both.
- Firetruck shower. Parked on shore. Hose ready. Sunscreen optional.
- Banner arch. Says POONTOON! so the lake knows who to blame.
- Balloons. Structural. Do not ask.
- Diving board. Judged strictly, by unqualified judges.
- Waterfall fountain. A waterfall into a pool on a lake. Yes.
- Water slide. The fast way down and the best story.
- The pool. 68 degrees, which is basically a hot tub.
- Seats. Twenty of them. The other 30 guests mingle.
- Coolers. One every 4th seat. Nobody is ever far from a cold pop.
A pontoon? Cute.
Poontoon vs pontoon
A side-by-side comparison, fact-checked by nobody. One of these boats exists. Guess which.
| Category | Regular pontoon | The Poontoon |
|---|---|---|
| Capacity | Printed on a plate by the manufacturer | 20 seated, 50 floating, the lake will tell us the rest |
| Fuel | Gasoline | Brats, curds, and optimism |
| Top speed | Fast enough to pull a tube | Depends entirely on the wind and Gary |
| Pool | No. You are on a lake. | Yes. A pool, on a lake, with a waterfall. |
| Firetruck | Not included | Parked on shore, hose ready |
| Neighbors' reaction | A friendly wave | A lake association agenda item, every year |
| HOA status | Approved | Pending since 2018 |
| Price | Real money | Imaginary money (it is a parody) |
| Life jackets | One for everyone aboard | Also one for everyone aboard. Rule 5. Not a joke. |
Want the real rules for real boats? The FAQ points you to the Wisconsin DNR, and the no-wake zone guide explains idle speed.
Read it and weep, marine engineers
The spec sheet
Everything the marine engineers refuse to put their names on.
| Spec | Value |
|---|---|
| Capacity | 20 seated, up to 50 floating (the rest are "vibing") |
| Fuel | Brats, curds, and optimism |
| Draft | Depends how many curds were eaten |
| Range | Roughly one cabin and one boat launch line |
| Top speed | Depends entirely on the wind and Gary |
| Horsepower | One Gary, paddling with a kayak paddle |
| Warranty | Void upon contact with water (see: the whole point) |
| Weight | Heavier than it looks, lighter than the cooler |
| Navigation | Follow the neighbor's dock light, then turn left at the loons |
| Certification | Approved by nobody, loved by everybody |
Gary does not know where we are going. Gary is wearing his life jacket. Be like Gary, but only that part.
Bookings are fictional, the ambition is not
Party packages
Pick a theme. The Poontoon will politely ignore it.
The Floatzilla
Add two more rafts and a second fountain. Go full Hydra.
Parody. Nothing here is for sale.
The Corporate Retreat
Nothing says synergy like water balloons and team-building overboard drills.
Parody. Nothing here is for sale.
The Supper Club
Relish tray, a brandy old fashioned sweet, and a waitress named Donna who has seen things. How to order like a local.
Parody. Nothing here is for sale.
The Ice-Out Bash
A polar plunge, a snowmobile parade, and a hot dish potluck. Wear the good hat.
Parody. Nothing here is for sale.
Specs read, curds packed
Still not convinced?
The lake is waiting. The Captain is (imaginarily) on call.